- Unwanted PC seizure
- Vintage tapes being found
- Phone loss
- Micro face cancer
- The toilets of others
- Children who know tech
- Emailing the CEO
- Cash machines
- The Airport
- Webcams
Unwanted PC seizure
You’ve never done anything other than work, buy Blu – rays online and play QWOP on your office computer. But you also know its previous owner was that sweaty guy with the Red Dwarf t-shirt who smelled of boiled lamb and left in a hurry. Could it be that any second now the “special police” will burst through the window, find a buried folder and send you down for a lengthy and disagreeable stretch in nonce town? Yes, in a word.
Vintage tapes being found
You were a bit of tormented singer-songwriter when you were a teenager, and recorded all your yearning balladry onto cassettes. Then you left them behind when you moved out. So where are said tapes now? They’re still sitting there, waiting for your children to find them. Then they’ll listen to Love is Killing Me ( reprise ), Window Pain, Requiem for my Loneliness and An Eternity of Misery and subsequently never look you in the eye again.
Phone Loss
If there’s one thing that’s more painful to lose than a close friend, it’s your beloved smart phone. The 24 hours before you find it in the fridge are filled with sweaty terror, stomach – churning dread and dark malaise: “How will all the people contact me?” Finally, you see The Precious sitting under that industrial block of cheddar and notice you have 22 missed calls, Job offers? Invites to parties? No. it was you ringing from the house phone.
Microwave face cancer
Cooking food in the old “potty ping” is responsible for your headaches and that lump on your neck, sure as your phone is killing your every sperm. Luckily, the microwave will not have time to kill you. The lasagne sat-fat fests meant for two that you scorch inside it every night will see to that.
The toilets of others
More specifically, those of potential in – laws. You just know it won’t be able to deal with what you’ve just done. Oh yes, it may have a doily on its head and delightful pine seating, but an effective flush ? forget it. Here goes 3-2-1… Nothing. So to refill, then try again. Oh dear. After an hour of this, and long after the dessert course arrived downstairs, you start to weep, before finally slopping off to bed and hoping for the best.
Children who know tech
They’re all over the internet, jumping on anyone who dare mistake their quadcore for a dualcore, or who mentions digital zoom ratings when everyone know only optical zoom is relevant, pausing only to lambast tech publications for their “Apple bias”. If only there was a way to lean through their monitors and clip them round the ear. Get off our virtual lawns, you pesky kids.
Emailing the CEO
A “personal” mailing from the boss to you and the 7,300 other people you work with has made clear there’s to be no pay rises, and counselled. “Feel free to email with any concerns.” So you reply with some detailed queries about his or her “road map”. Fear grabs you as soon as you hit send. Will you now be seen as a troublemaker? Or could it be you’ll get the promotion for your chutzpah? Neither, you’ll just be told a month later that a “company – wide review” is in place and times are tough, to which you should always reply with a thumbs – up smiley.
Cash machines
Up there with toilet rims , hand rails in hospitals and most trains, cash machine keys look like they’re laced with a cocktail of sweat, spit, blood, flu, E-Coli, herpes, bubonic plague and cholera.
The Airport
You know you haven’t got TNT in your blog; you know your passport is in your jacket pocket; you know your briefcase is in your hand. Still, this doesn’t stop you checking all three every 30 seconds or so. You’re also sure this is the time you’ll finally succumb to that childish urge to say, “No, I asked the Taliban to pack it for me,” as your laptop and camera cables poke suspiciously out of your carry bag.
Webcams
Even wonder if that little camera built into your laptop is beaming your image to some far off land, or to everyone you know while you’re busy “relaxing”? No? Oh good, Just us then…
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